Little Thoughts


Being Known
October 20, 2012, 7:30 pm
Filed under: Thoughts for the day

I worry that I get lazy. When someone seems close to me, when they know so much about me that I start to feel comfortable and begin to be known, I am satisfied. That is good enough. I close off the last sacred details.

You know those long letters/emails/phone chats you have with people you haven’t seen in forever? Feels like you can express and go on at length because they’ve got so much they don’t know about you and your life, so different from their own. Yes?

Facts: I have been up to this; new job; new girl; trip I took a couple months back. You parse through a multitude of things, because there is so much easy factual information to give them. All this sharing generates this feeling of closeness that opening up brings.

There is an infinity inside my brain every day, I travel and change and ponder and go back and forth every day. But it would be weird to hash that out with people I saw yesterday. Why? Because ostensibly we’re close. Really we can get so mentally far apart in the span of a few hours, because everything-all-of-the-time. But it’s that OSTENSIBLY close. That makes me comfortable enough to not need to be open and honest every day.

Closing off to a person close to you over the little details makes them seem farther away than the far away person who you can open up to about nothing special.

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Have Cake. Want to eat it.
April 11, 2012, 11:29 pm
Filed under: Thoughts for the day

I feel like my friends split into two categories. They either make me feel sane/normal/calmed or they make me feel wild/open/everything. Both are necessary, but different friends are needed at different times as your mental state requires. This is fine, logistically, because you can have multiple friends.

I want to find that magical unicorn that will at all times intuit whether I need to be calmed down or wound up and know how to make that happen. This theoretical possibility really fucks with me sometimes.



Touring Turing Turning Tuning
March 28, 2012, 12:19 am
Filed under: Thoughts for the day

I’ve been so mixed up these past couple of years. Working so hard for the band, singularly focused, and at the same time all these new opportunities and experiences. But I got to this point where I am so worried about what comes next. An image of yourself that you feel the need to maintain. A success that you wonder if you will duplicate.

I realized that there are these cycles. You are unhappy, so you open your brain up, re-evaluate, maybe change your world view or accept everything in an attempt to find something stable and better to hold onto. Creating. Exploring. Finding what fits. Then once you catch that glimpse of success or happiness, wanting to hold onto it closes you down, trying to put a formula around what got you to be happy, that formula drying up that rich openness you had in the searching for an attempt at stability.

But there’s nothing like that purity in the openness. Even if it means being less stable, more likely to fail. I keep reminding myself of that these days.



Things I’d Like
September 11, 2009, 2:59 pm
Filed under: Lists, Thoughts for the day | Tags: , ,
  1. A panini machine, and they’re super cheap, even for good ones…
  2. An espresso machine, but they’re really expensive…
  3. A bartending job, but I have to learn how to bartend, aka pour shots, before that can happen.

To-dos, or reminders, or whatever.



I find myself
August 28, 2009, 4:00 pm
Filed under: Thoughts for the day

I have gone for too long in the same direction without checking myself before I start wrecking myself.  I’ve lifted my head up out of the tall prairie grass and have seen where I’ve come, and I don’t like it.  It’s time to start making some changes around here…



“I’m tired of the fantasy, because it doesn’t really exist”
August 16, 2009, 9:57 pm
Filed under: Thoughts for the day | Tags: , , ,

I should have known.  Every lesson I have to learn about relating to the opposite sex has already been learned by Rob Gordon.

Rob: I’m tired of the fantasy, because it doesn’t really exist. And there are never really any surprises, and it never really…
Laura: Delivers?
Rob: Delivers. And I’m tired of it. And I’m tired of everything else for that matter. But I don’t ever seem to get tired of you, so…

I was at the driving range with my mom, hitting a bucket of balls and laughing at her ineptitude at this same activity (in a loving way, of course).  In the space next to ours, there was this girl by herself hitting a bucket of balls.  In total Max Clark style, I imagined her in her best sense.  I thought, “How nice that she isn’t out with a big rowdy group getting drunk. She is living a simple life, lacking excess.  I think that is a nice quality.”  My mom and I were in the middle of joking about my mom’s bad swing, and then the girl ruined all the admiration I had for her imaginary qualities by glaring over her shoulder at us (for being too loud?), gathered her balls back into her bucket, and moved several slots further away from us.  So she turns out to be a uppity-uppity.  No fun.  The fantasy never delivers, Rob Gordon, the fantasy never delivers.



4 Categories

In yet another installment of “Josiah Thinks The Unbearable Lightness of Being Was/Is Pure Genius,”

“We all need someone to look at us. We can be divided into four categories according to the kind of look we wish to live under.

The first category longs for the look of an infinite number of anonymous eyes, in other words, for the look of the public…The second category is made up of people who have a vital need to be looked at by many known eyes…Then there is the third category, the category of who need to be constantly before the eyes of the person they love…And finally there is the fourth category, the rarest, the category of people who live in the imaginary eyes of those who are not present.” pp. 269-270

I’m in the fourth category. Case in point: continuing to play Let’s Grow Old Together.